


Lonely All the Time

by torigates



Category: Freaks and Geeks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:04:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/torigates/pseuds/torigates
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is what happened next. Lindsay strugges with the consequences of missing the academic summit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lonely All the Time

 

Lindsay called home later that night. She may have gone completely insane, but she wasn’t stupid. Her parents were going to find out sooner or later, and Lindsay didn’t want them to worry.

Her mom answered the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, mom,” Lindsay said.

“Lindsay!” Her mom sounded so happy, Lindsay almost couldn’t bring herself to tell the truth. Almost.

“Hi.”

“How are things going, sweetheart?”

“Mom, I’m not at the academic summit,” Lindsay told her.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m with some friends. We’re going to follow a band around all summer going to concerts.”

“Concerts?” Her mom asked.

“I’ll let you decide whether or not to tell dad. I know you’re going to be mad, but I have to do this.”

“Jean?” Lindsay could hear her father’s voice in the background.

“I’ll be home at the end of the end of the summer. Tell dad—well tell him whatever you want.”

“Lindsay—” Lindsay could hear the panic in her mother’s voice, and that just wasn’t something she could deal with.

“I love you, mom. I’ll call again.” She hung up before her mother could reply. She would deal with her family later.

The rest of the summer passed in a haze of music, highways and yes, drugs. Lindsay got high a few times, mostly because it was what everyone else was doing, but also she wanted to just experience things she hadn’t before. She was working on the paranoia.

There were boys too, but she couldn’t bring herself to do much more than kissing. It wasn’t because she didn’t want to, because she _did_ , but whenever she was with a boy, all she could think of was the look on Nick’s face when he said, ‘I’m done,’ and the tone of his voice when he said ‘All guys want to make out, I just want to hold you.’

Nick had scared the crap out of her. He was too intense in his feelings, and Lindsay just wasn’t ready for that. That didn’t mean that she hadn’t really cared for him.

When she found him under the stairwell that day at the basketball game when he broke up with her she was relieved, yes, but she was also devastated. She wanted to go back to when their relationship was still undefined, but somehow so much simpler.

But she couldn’t let herself think about him.

The second time she called home, her dad answered.

“Hello?” She could hear voices in the background and her dad sounded happy.

“Hi daddy, it’s me.”

She could practically hear the smile fall off his face. “Lindsay, you are to come home this instant, do you understand me, young lady?”

“I’m sorry, dad. I can’t do that.”

“What do you mean you can’t do it?” He barked. “Get your ass on a bus and come home!”

It was the first time Lindsay had ever heard her dad swear and it almost made her give in. “I’ll be home at the end of the summer, just like we discussed.”

“This is _not_ what we discussed, your mother and I are sick with worry!” he shouted.

“I’m sorry, dad, but I just can’t come home. I hope you can understand. I need to do this.”

He started yelling, but Lindsay didn’t bother listening. “I love you, dad. Bye.” She hung up the phone.

 

 

It definitely didn’t help that Kim just would not _let_ her forget about Nick.

“What is _up_ with you and Nick?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“What do you mean, ‘what do I mean’?” Kim said punching her in the arm. “You both still clearly have feelings for each other.”

“He’s with Sara,” Lindsay told her for what felt like the millionth time.

“So?” Kim asked. “That doesn’t mean you’re not into each other.”

Lindsay didn’t have anything to say. She felt hurt because _she_ had wanted Nick to quit smoking pot and get his act together, but he had done it for Sara instead. She also felt like she didn’t have a right to be upset, like she had given that up when her mom sorta-broke up with him.

She just didn’t know. “I don’t know, Kim,” she told her.

“Ugh, that is such bullshit, and you _know_ it!” Kim shouted, then ran off to catch up with someone she knew.

Kim kept asking about him, which was probably why what happened, happened. And the pot. Lindsay was pretty sure the pot had something to do with it too. Either that or she was just and idiot.

She’s not sure what came over her. One moment they were all just sitting there looking at the stars, the next Lindsay was thinking about the time they all went to Laser Dome and Lindsay was pretty sure Nick wanted to kiss her.

“I miss Nick,” she blurted.

Kim sat up straight. “I _knew_ it!” she yelled.

Somewhere, someone yelled for them to shut up.

“You shut up, asshole!” Kim screamed back, and then turned to face Lindsay. “You are _such_ a slut!” she said punching Lindsay.

"I am not a slut,” Lindsay said after she caught her balance.

“What does this mean?” Kim asked her. “Do you, like, want him to be your boyfriend again?”

“I don’t know,” Lindsay said tucking her hands into the sleeves of her coat. “I just miss him, I guess. Besides, he’s with Sara now.”

“So?” Kim asked. “He’s still totally into you. You could _totally_ steal him back from that bitch.”

Lindsay didn’t say anything. She knew Sara wasn’t a bitch, which made everything so much worse. Plus Nick seemed to really like Sara, and despite what Lindsay’s mom had said, he was the one who broke up with her.

“He probably doesn’t even like me anymore,” Lindsay said.

“Oh, he _totally_ does.”

“Whatever,” Lindsay paused. “Please don’t tell anyone about this,” she begged. “Not Nick. Or Daniel.”

“Don’t worry. I would never do something like that,” Kim promised.

Lindsay didn’t really believe her, but she didn’t have much choice. Besides, she was sure Nick didn’t even like her anymore.

 

 

The third time she called home Sam answered.

“Hey Sam,” she said.

“Lindsay!” he squawked, and Lindsay could imagine him standing in the kitchen frantically looking over his shoulders for their parents.

“How-how’s it going?” Lindsay wasn’t sure why she suddenly felt nervous.

“How’s it going?” he echoed. “You’ve been gone all summer, Lindsay. How do you think it’s going?”

“That bad, huh?” She chuckled nervously. Sam did not.

“Why’d you do it, Lindsay?” he asked. “Do you know what it’s been like with you gone?”

“I’m sorry, Sam. I had to do this one thing for me. Besides, I’ll be home soon.”

"Do you really think that’s going to make things better?” he asked.

“I guess not,” she agreed. “But at least mom and dad will be taking it out on me, right?”

“Yeah,” he said reluctantly.

“I’ll see you soon, ok Sam? I miss you.”

“I miss you too,” he said.

That was the first time Lindsay really thought about the consequences of her summer adventure. Sure, she knew she was going to be in trouble. A lot of trouble. But she hadn’t thought about what things were like at home, what her family was doing without her.

Her dad was going to kill her.

 

 

After that phone call with Sam, Lindsay could never fully enjoy herself.

She didn’t want the summer to end, but she wanted to go home.

She missed her room, her bed, her mom’s cooking. She even sort of missed her dad’s lame jokes.

All that went out the window when she got off the bus and saw her dad’s face.

He looked—well, he looked furious. Lindsay couldn’t remember her dad looking that angry, ever. She felt a heavy ball of nerves settle in her stomach.

“Hi dad.”

He didn’t say anything, just got in the car. She followed silently.

Her dad didn’t speak to her, didn’t even look at her the whole car ride home. Lindsay kept waiting for the yelling to start, but he never took his eyes off the road.

It was so much worse than what she had imagined.

When she walked in the house her mom ran up and hugged her tearfully. That wasn’t what she was expecting either.

“Jean!” her father barked.

“Oh, Howard,” her mother said. “She can be punished later; we haven’t seen her in months!”

“She absolutely _cannot_ be punished later. She will be punished now.”

Jean looked at her husband. She was still holding onto Lindsay. “Oh alright,” she said straightening out her blouse.

Her father looked at her for the first time since she had gotten home. “You will not leave this house aside from school. No television, no music, no phone calls and _no friends_.”

He didn’t yell. Lindsay knew better than to protest.

“Now go to your room, young lady.”

Lindsay went into her room without a word, threw herself on the bed and cried.

Dinner that night was extremely uncomfortable. Her mom kept looking torn between being happy Lindsay was home and knowing she should be angry with her daughter. Sam looked like he wanted to be anywhere else. Her dad would not look at her or anyone else for that matter. No one spoke.

 

 

Lindsay spent the last week of summer extremely bored. There wasn’t much you could do when you weren’t allowed to talk to anyone or listen to any music. She could only handle so much reading.

The Friday night before school started Lindsay found herself literally staring at her ceiling. She had already read three books, imagined a scenario where she didn’t have to stay in her room until graduation, and had almost convinced herself that the lines on her ceiling sort of looked like two rabbits doing it, when she heard voices out in the hall.

It sounded like Bill and Neal, but Lindsay was so desperate for human interaction she decided to see what they were up to. They weren’t her friends; maybe her dad would actually let her out of her room for a bit.

She wasn’t expecting Daniel Desario.

“Daniel?”

“Lindsay, hey. Sam said you were back.”

If it were possible, that made even less sense. “What are you doing here?” she asked.

“It’s game night.” She continued to look at him with what she could only assume was a completely bewildered expression.

“I play Dungeons and Dragons with these guys,” he gestured to Sam, Bill, , Gordon and Harris.

“Hey Lindsay,” they chorused.

“Hey guys,” she said hesitantly, but that was about as far as the conversation went.

“Lindsay!” her father barked. “Bedroom!”

It was the first time he spoke to her all week.

“See you later, Lindsay,” Daniel told her.

“Now,” he said in a voice that said she was to obey immediately.

Lindsay spent the night alone in her room listening to Daniel and her brother’s friends playing Dungeons and Dragons. All she could think about was how she never felt as homesick as she did right now the entire time she was gone.

 

 

School was awkward. Nick and Sara were still dating, Daniel and Kim didn’t seem to be speaking to each other, and Ken was, well, Ken.

Even Mr. Rosso wasn’t speaking to her. The only person who seemed to remotely glad she was back was Millie.

“Lindsay!” she said. “I’m so happy to see you!”

“You are?” Lindsay asked.

“Of course, silly.” Mille told her. “The summer just wasn’t the same without you.”

“Thanks, Mille” Lindsay said sincerely.

“So are you going to join the mathletes?” Millie asked.

“I don’t know, Millie. I doubt Kowchevski will let me back on the team. Plus, I’m grounded.”

“I could totally talk to Mr. Kowchevski for you. And I bet your dad would let you. I mean, for the mathletes.”

“You’d do that for me?” Lindsay asked.

“Of course.”

“Thanks, Millie. I’ll think about it, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” She smiled.

 

 

A week into school and her dad still wasn’t talking to her. She was barely allowed to speak to Sam outside of school, let alone her friends. The mathletes were starting to look a lot more appealing.

They were eating dinner in silence (as had been the norm) when Lindsay decided to give it a shot. She was as close to dying of boredom as was physically possible.

“Dad?” she said hesitantly.

Everyone looked up from their plates. He just grunted.

“Um, I was thinking of joining the mathletes again this year.”

He looked at her, and it was the first time he really did in what felt like a long time. “No.”

Lindsay wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but it wasn’t that.

“Howard…” her mother said.

“No!” he said more forcefully. “I will not be played.”

“Dad,” Lindsay said. “It’s not a play.”

“And I’m just supposed to believe you?” he asked furiously. “You are a liar, Lindsay and I can’t believe a word you say.”

The words hurt, but there wasn’t much she could say to defend herself. She quietly put down her fork and walked out of the room. No one called her back.

Her mom came into her room later that night. Lindsay was staring at the ceiling.

“It’s going to take awhile for you to earn your father’s trust back,” Jean told her.

“I know,” Lindsay said.

“Sweetheart, we would love for you to join the mathletes again, but you can understand why we’re a little hesitant.”

“I know, mom” Lindsay said. “And I know I have to be punished, but I’m just so bored, mom. I feel like I’m going to go crazy if I can’t do something different.”

Her mom looked at her for a long time. “Alright, honey. You can join, but please, Lindsay, don’t make me regret this.”

“I won’t.” She paused, “Thanks, mom” she said giving her mom a hug.

Lindsay thought things would get better after that. She was wrong.

Kowchevski didn’t want her back on the team, and after quitting twice last year she couldn’t really blame him.

Still, she was desperate enough to get out of her house. She convinced him she was serious about things by agreeing to be on the reserves.

It was hard for Lindsay, having people not trust her. When she got off that bus in the beginning of the summer she was only thinking of what that decision meant for her, not what it would mean to other people. How it would change things when she got back.

She was beginning to realise just how severe and lasting the consequences were going to be.

 

 

Things continued.

Kim and Daniel got back together, broke up and got back together.

“I just don’t get why he wants to hang out with those losers,” Kim told her one day at lunch.

“Hey!” Lindsay said.

Kim just looked at her. “Whatever, Lindsay. I know it’s your brother, but _come on_. They don’t have anything in common. What do you even talk about?”

“I don’t know,” Lindsay told her. “My dad still won’t let me out of my room. Why don’t you ask Daniel?”

“I did!” Kim shouted. A bunch of people looked over to their table. “What?” Kim asked and they looked away. “That’s what I thought.” Kim turned back to their conversation, “I _have_ asked him. He just said some bullshit about that stupid game.”

Lindsay looked at Kim and she couldn’t figure out why it bothered her so much. “Why does it bother you so much?”

“I don’t know!” Kim said. “It just does, _okay_?”

“Okay!” Lindsay paused. “Maybe he just likes fitting in,” she said hesitantly.

“With those geeks?”

Lindsay shrugged. “Remember last year when he tried to be a punk, or whatever? Maybe it’s like that.”

“Are you saying that I’m not enough for him?” Kim demanded.

“What? No!”

“Thanks a lot, Lindsay,” Kim said gathering her things.

“Kim…”

“Whatever,” Kim said. She stormed off.

Lindsay stared after her. She didn’t know what she did wrong.

She looked over and saw Nick and Sara eating their lunch together.

“You could have stopped things,” Ken said setting his tray down on the table.

“Huh?”

“I told you to put a stop to that last year,” he told her gesturing towards Nick. “But you didn’t listen.”

She looked at Nick again. “He looks happy.”

He snorted. “Shows what you know.”

She didn’t say anything.

“So what’s up with her?” he asked gesturing to Kim’s not empty seat.

Lindsay just groaned. “I don’t know.”

“So same as usual then.”

Lindsay smiled. “Pretty much.”

They ate in silence for a while.

“How’s Amy?” she asked.

Ken smiled, and it was actually a little weird to see him looking genuinely happy. “She’s good.”

Lindsay smiled. “That’s good.”

“Yeah,” he said. “It really is.”

She wanted to ask about Nick, but she didn’t know how. She wished things didn’t have to be so awkward, but she didn’t know how to make things better.

“Is he?” she asked.

Ken looked at her. “Is who what?”

She looked at Nick again. “Happy.”

Ken looked at her like she hand suddenly grown another head. “I don’t know. We’re guys, we don’t talk about that kind of shit.”

“Oh.”

Ken kept looking at her. Lindsay really wished he wouldn’t. “I told you to stop it last year,” he repeated. “But you didn’t listen.”

“What could I do?” she asked.

“Tell him how you feel, or some shit. Hell, I don’t know, you’re the girl.”

“I don’t—”

Ken rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

Lindsay sighed.

 

 

The mathletes were pretty much the most boring thing ever when you were on the reserves.

Lindsay remembered now why she had quit. Twice. Still, it was better to be bored here with other people than to be bored alone at home. That and she was ninety per cent sure that her father and Kowchevski would actually kill her if she tried to quit again.

At least she was out of the house. That was something, and it was nice to spend time with Millie. To spend time way from her father’s glares.

Kim was waiting for her at the end of practice.

“Hey,” Lindsay said hesitantly.

“Hey,” Kim replied.

Lindsay didn’t say anything.

Kim looked at her. “Are you going to, like, make me apologize?” she asked.

Lindsay figured that was enough for her. “Nah.”

“Good,” Kim said. “Come on, I’ll give you a ride home.”

Lindsay knew her dad would hate that, but she honestly didn’t care. If he said anything she’d just tell him it was quicker than taking the bus.

“So how much longer are you going to be grounded for anyway?” Kim asked.

Lindsay shrugged. “Who knows, my dad is still really mad.”

“You’re lucky,” Kim told her. Lindsay thought Kim had finally gone insane. It must have shown on her face because Kim continued. “My mom didn’t even notice I was gone, except to be happy I wasn’t bothering her.”

“Kim,” Lindsay said. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

“Whatever,” Kim said. “Are you ever going to make a move on Nick?” she asked as they both got into her car.

“Kim!” Lindsay exclaimed.

“What?” she asked. “I know you like him, Lindsay.”

“He has a girlfriend. He’s over me by now,” she said. She was getting tired of always saying the same thing.

Kim punched her. “You are so dumb sometimes.”

They were silent for awhile. Lindsay hesitated before asking the question that had been bothering her all day. “So why does it bother you when Daniel hangs out with my brother and his friends?”

Kim looked angry, but all she said was, “You wouldn’t understand.”

"Come on, Kim. Try me.”

She didn’t say anything and Lindsay figured she was just going to ignore the question. Finally she spoke.

“You don’t know what it’s like, Lindsay. You have friends. Your parents care about you. My only friend was that slut Karen, and look what she did.” Lindsay remembered but didn’t say anything. “The only people I hang out with are Daniel and Daniel’s friends. Now Nick’s with that disco freak and Ken has Amy. Who knows what the hell Daniel gets up to?”

Lindsay didn’t know what to say. She had never thought about it like that before. “Well, now you have me too,” she said eventually.

“Yeah, and you’re a big freak too,” Kim said but she smiled.

 

 

 

In November things were still weird. Her dad still didn’t talk to her often, and Lindsay can’t help but think it’s just out of habit now. Her parents still wouldn't let her out of the house outside of school, but Lindsay sometimes saw a look in her mom’s eyes like she wanted to give Lindsay more freedom.

It was hard knowing she did this to herself, but mostly she was just bored.

She had hardly spoken to Nick at all since school started. He spent most of his time with Sara, and she never saw him come out to the patio. It sort of hurt her feelings that Nick seemed to be avoiding her, but every time she saw him with Sara he just looked so happy. She wanted to be happy for him, but she just ended up feeling sad instead. She wasn’t sure why so she tried not to think about it.

“Hey guys,” she said walking up to Kim’s locker. Nick had a huge grin on his face, Daniel and Ken looked annoyed and Kim just looked bored. “What’s going on?”

“Mr. Braniac here is just bragging about his latest test,” Daniel said.

Lindsay looked at the paper Nick was holding and saw a B+ on it.

“Nick, that’s amazing,” she told him and meant it.

“Thanks,” he said. An uncomfortable look came over his face. “Well, I’m going to… go.”

“See ya, buddy” Daniel said. “I know you’ve got studying to do.”

“Shut up, man” Nick said punching Daniel in the chest. Nick looked uncomfortable again for another moment, the abruptly left.

The conversation moved onto other topics, but Lindsay stayed quiet.

After that Lindsay gathered that Nick had been doing really well in school. She overheard Ken and Daniel talking about the shocked look on Mr. Andopolis’ face when Nick told him he had a B- average.

Lindsay felt so proud of him. She felt jealous too. She had known Nick could do it but he hadn’t listened to her.

He was listening to Sara now, and for some reason that made Lindsay feel sick to her stomach.

The mathletes won a tournament that Lindsay didn’t get to compete in. Even though she’d been to every practice Kowchevski still glared at her.

She just wanted to yell at everyone, ‘I’m seventeen! Why do I have to be perfect?’

Lindsay tried to talk to Kim about it, but she just rolled her eyes. She tried to talk to Mille, but that didn’t work either.

“They just want what’s best for you, Lindsay” Millie said.

“What’s best for me is to make mistakes sometimes. I can’t always be the perfect student. Or daughter.”

Millie didn’t say anything she just looked disappointed.

Lindsay wanted to know when she started letting everyone down. She didn’t want to care, but that was hard too.

 

 

“Hey, dad” Lindsay said one night at dinner.

“What?”

“I was wondering if you needed any help in the store?”

Her dad looked surprised. “What?”

“Well, with Christmas coming up, I thought maybe you might need a little extra help.”

Her mom beamed at her. “That’s very thoughtful of you, Lindsay.”

Her dad looked at her for a long time. No one spoke. “Alright,” he said eventually. “You can have two shifts a week, but you’re putting all the money in the bank for college.”

“Thanks dad!”

Lindsay felt happy for the first time in a long time, not because of the job, she didn’t care about that, not really. Not only would this get her out of the house, her dad was finally trusting her again. She felt like things were going to be okay.

She was wrong.

She went to her dad’s store after school on Friday.

“Lindsay!”

“Hey, Nick” she said surprised. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here,” he said hesitantly. “Remember?”

Lindsay hadn’t remembered. Her dad had never mentioned it after that night Nick stayed at their house.

“Right,” she said. “Of course.”

The two of them stood there awkwardly staring at each other for a moment.

“Lindsay!” her dad barked from the other side of the store. “Get over here, I want to show you this.”

Lindsay hurried off.

It was a blessing that the store was so busy, Lindsay had less time to think about how Nick wouldn’t talk to her, wouldn’t even look at her.

She helped customers, and her dad even let her work the cash register sometimes. She got to talk to people, even if some of them were creepy old men.

“It’s like he hates me,” Lindsay told Kim.

“He doesn’t hate you,” Kim said.

“He completely ignores me. He won’t even look at me half the time.”

“Maybe you should talk to him,” Kim said.

Lindsay sighed. “I don’t know.”

Kim pushed her. “Just talk to him.”

She _really_ didn’t plan on saying anything to him, but they were eating lunch alone in the break room one Saturday and Nick was deliberately looking everywhere but at her.

Eventually she just couldn’t take it anymore. “What?” she asked her.

He just looked at her.

“Why don’t you ever talk to me anymore? I thought were friends.”

He didn’t look away. “Yeah, well, we’re not.”

Even though they had barely spoken in months the words come as a complete shock. “What?”

“We’re not friends, and we never were. We dated for awhile, we broke up. I’m with Sara now and she doesn’t want us to be friends.”

Lindsay didn’t know what to say. Eventually Nick turned back to his sandwich.

Lindsay felt like she was going to cry. Silently she got up and left the room. Nick didn’t say anything. He didn’t look up.

Nick found her a few hours later when she was on break.

“I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you,” he said.

“Don’t worry about it.”

“It’s just that Sara worried there was something still between us.”

Lindsay tried to look composed. “I don’t know how that could be possible when you’ve barely said more than two sentences to me since I got back.”

“You’re right. I’m sorry, we’re working together now—”

She cut him off. “Well, you won’t have to worry about that much longer. I was just helping my dad out for Christmas. Then you’ll never have to talk to me again.”

“Lindsay—” he started.

“I’m sure that’s what you wanted.” She hurried out front and put a smile on her face. That settles that, she thought. It was really over.

Ken, Daniel and Kim came and sat with her at lunch on Monday. Ken and Daniel just looked at her.

“You told them?” Lindsay asked Kim outraged.

“What?” Kim said. “They already knew.”

“Andopolis told us,” Daniel said. “That Sara chick’s a bitch.”

“Whatever,” Lindsay said. “I’ve been telling you all along he doesn’t like me anymore. It’s no big deal.”

They all looked at her with pity and that was the worst.

“I _told_ you to stop it last year,” Ken said.

Kim punched him. “That’s _real_ helpful Ken, thanks for that.”

“No one ever listens to me,” he muttered.

 

 

Daniel convinced them that they should go to Neal’s New Year’s party.

“ _Why_ exactly would we want to do that?” Kim asked.

“Come on, guys. I’ve been hanging out with them recently and they’re cool. It’s a party, what’s the big deal?”

“I doubt I’ll be allowed, but you should go,” Lindsay said.

To Lindsay’s complete shock, her parents allowed her to go.

“Really?” she asked.

“Really,” her mom said. “You’ve been good for a long time, you deserve it.”

“Thanks mom,” she paused looking at her father. “Thanks dad.”

He grunted. “Your brother will be there, so don’t try anything sneaky.”

Lindsay sighed, but didn’t bother saying anything. She wondered if her father would ever forgive her.

 

 

Sam and Lindsay were the first to arrive at the Schweiber’s. There was an awkward moment when Neal tried to give her a hug, but Lindsay laughed it off.

“Sam my man!” Mr. Schweiber said exuberantly.

“Hi Mr. Schweiber,” Sam said awkwardly.

“Don’t worry, buddy. The Mrs and I were just on our way out. You kids have a crazy night,” he laughed. “But not too crazy, alright?” He winked and made a gun action with his hand.

Lindsay always thought Mr. Schweiber was a bit weird.

“Lindsay, hey!”

Lindsay turned around. “Barry!”

“Oh, great” Neal muttered. “I thought you were going out, Barry.”

“I was,” he said. “But my plans fell through at the last minute. Lucky me, I guess.” He winked at Lindsay.

She blushed.

Eventually a lot more people showed up, including Nick and Sara.

Lindsay retreated to the kitchen and then felt like a loser. If anything she had more right to be there than Nick did.

She stayed in the kitchen.

Barry came and found her. “Lindsay, there you are,” he said. “What are you doing in here?”

“Oh, nothing. Just taking a bit of a break.”

“I hear you,” he told her. “Parties can be overwhelming at times, even lame ones like this.”

She laughed. “I guess you go to a lot of parties at school.”

He shrugged. “A few.”

They were quiet for a few moments. “You want to ask me, don’t you?”

“Ask you what?”

“If I’ve chose a major yet,” he said simply.

She smiled. “I would never do that to you.”

“I’ll just tell you then,” he said. “Pre-law.”

“Wow! Barry, that’s amazing.”

“Thanks.”

They were quiet for another moment. “I’m going to kiss you now,” he said.

“Okay.”

Barry kissed her the same way he had at the last Schweiber party. Lindsay felt her stomach twist in the pleasant way and just let herself enjoy it.

She deserved to be happy.

“Oh—sorry.”

So much for that. Nick was standing in the doorway.

“Uh, I was just going to get a drink. I’ll go.” He turned and walked out.

“Oh, god” Lindsay said putting her forehead against Barry’s shoulder.

“A friend of yours?” he asked.

Lindsay wanted to cry. If only there was a simple way to answer that.

“Not really.”

“I guess we should get back out there,” Barry said reluctantly.

“Yeah,” Lindsay said. “I just need a moment.”

“Sure thing.” He left.

Lindsay wished she could be as cool as Barry was about these things. He just didn’t let anything bother him.

Nick walked in a got a drink out of the fridge without even looking at her.

Lindsay left.

Kim cornered her immediately.

“Oh my god, he _told_ you?” Lindsay asked.

“Well, duh,” Kim said. “He wanted to know who you were kissing.”

“It’s none of his damn business,” Lindsay said. “We’re not even friends anymore! That was his choice.” She paused. “And _he_ broke up with _me_.”

“Calm down, I already told him that,” Kim said.

“You did?” Lindsay asked genuinely surprised.

“Well, yeah. We’re friends.”

“Thanks, Kim.”

“Come on,” Kim said. “Let’s get wasted!”

No way was Lindsay going to get drunk the first time her parents let her out of the house. Plus Sam kept hovering around her till Lindsay threatened to tell everyone he wet the bed till he was seven.

When the countdown finally arrived, everyone was pretty drunk. Lindsay saw Neal looking hopeful and quickly moved to the other side of the room.

At midnight Nick and Sara, Daniel and Kim and Ken and Amy all kissed. Lindsay watched everyone around her cheering and wanted to cry.

It was a new year.

 

 

Three weeks later Lindsay was hating the new year. Her parents were putting pressure on her to choose a school for next year, even Mr. Rosso was speaking to her again.

Lindsay didn’t know where she wanted to go to college. She didn’t even know if she _wanted_ to go to college. Everyone was making a big deal out of her SAT scores and she hadn’t even tried hard.

Lindsay wished she had someone who she could talk to. She felt so much pressure and she didn’t know what to do.

“Honey, can you set an extra plate for dinner?” her mom asked.

“An extra plate?”

“Your father is bringing Nick home for dinner.”

“What? Why?”

Her mom laughed. “To do something nice, Lindsay. His dad is gone for the weekend.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, mom” she said.

“Why not?” her mom asked.

“Nick doesn’t like me very much,” Lindsay said.

“What are you talking about? Of course Nick likes you.”

“Not anymore,” Lindsay said. “He has a new girlfriend now.”

“Lindsay, stop being ridiculous,” her mom told her. “Go finish setting the table.”

Her dad and Nick arrived fifteen minutes later. Nick looked extremely uncomfortable.

Either her mom didn’t notice, or chose not to. “Nick!” she said with a smile on her face. “How are you?”

“Hi, Mrs Weir” he said. “I’m good, thanks.”

“Good! Come sit down, dinner will be ready soon.”

After dinner, Lindsay was in the kitchen cleaning up when Nick came in.

“Hey,” he said. It was probably the first time he had initiated conversation with her all year.

“Hey,” she said.

He didn’t say anything. Neither did Lindsay, she didn’t want to make things easy on him.

“I’m sorry about tonight,” he said eventually.

“Don’t worry about it,” Lindsay told him.

“I didn’t want to be rude to your dad when he asked. He’s been really cool.” Nick said.

“Whatever, Nick” she said. “You don’t owe me anything. We’re not friends.”

He flinched at that and Lindsay felt glad for a moment. Then she felt like a bad person.

“Okay,” he said. “I’m going to take off then.”

“See you,” she said without looking up from the dishes.

She heard him thank her parents for dinner and leave.

Sometimes Lindsay wanted to hate Nick. Mostly she just missed him.

 

 

Barry came home for spring break and invited Lindsay to a party at one of his friend’s house. Surprisingly, her parents let her go.

“So, is this like a date?” she asked him when he picked her up.

“It’s not like a date,” he said. “I was kinda hoping it _was_ a date.”

Lindsay smiled. “Oh,” she said. “Okay.”

The party was loud. Barry said he knew the guy from psych, or philosophy or something.

Lindsay didn’t know anyone and they all looked so much older than her. She wandered around until someone handed her a drink.

Barry found her three beers later playing flip cup. “Have you ever played this before?” she asked him. “It’s soooo fun.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I know. Come on.”

“Where are we going?” she asked him.

“To hang out,” he said. “Let’s go.”

“Okay,” she said getting to her feet. He led her upstairs.

“I’m sorry about basically abandoning you,” he told her, catching her arm as she stumbled on the stairs.

“That’s okay,” she said. “I made friends!”

“I saw,” he said.

“Where are we going anyway?”

“Upstairs. Didn’t you think it was pretty loud down there? Besides, we haven’t had a chance to talk all night.”

“That’s true,” she said. “Is this what college is like all the time?” she asked.

“Pretty much,” Barry said. “Though we do occasionally go to class.”

Lindsay found this very funny. “How did you decide where to go to school?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied after a while. “It just felt right. Like I could fit in there. And I do. It’s nice.”

Lindsay considered this. “Sometimes I feel like I’ll never fit in anywhere.”

“I find that very hard to believe,” he told her. “You fit in with me, don’t you?”

She smiled. “Thanks, Barry.”

They were standing in the hallway. Barry grabbed her hand and pulled her into one of the bedrooms.

He shut the door and kissed her.

Lindsay knew she should be concerned about things like being alone in a bedroom with a boy, but all she could think about was how much she enjoyed kissing and how lonely she’d been.

He pulled her down onto the bed with him and Lindsay thought, ‘Woah,’ and ‘Maybe I should stop this,’ but she didn’t. She didn’t say anything when Barry took off her shirt or pushed down her pants. She didn’t say anything when he rolled on a condom, and then it was too late.

Lindsay would later remember how uncomfortable she felt, Barry’s harsh breathing against her neck and the way her leg cramped up. How after it was done Barry kissed her sloppily. She would remember how she kept her socks on the entire time, and somehow that made the whole thing seems more real to her.

She got dressed in the dark and thought about her parents telling her to make her first time special.

She just felt so lonely.

“Can you take me home now?” she asked.

“Sure,” Barry said.

They were both silent in the car. “I’ll call you,” Barry said when they pulled up to her house and gave her a kiss.

“Okay,” she said. She got out of the car.

After he drove off Lindsay sat down on the curb. She didn’t cry but she was out there a long time.

 

 

He didn’t call.

“What is wrong with you lately?” Kim asked her at lunch a few weeks later.

Lindsay thought, ‘What the hell,’ and told her. “I had sex.”

Kim choked on her soda. “What?”

“I had sex,” she repeated.

“When?” Kim asked. “With who?”

“About three weeks ago. With Barry. Remember we went to that party?”

Kim didn’t reply right away. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Lindsay shrugged. “I don’t know. I didn’t tell anyone.”

“Are you guys, like dating now?”

“I don’t think so.” Lindsay paused. “I haven’t heard from him.”

“Oh,” Kim said. “You _slut_!”

“Kim!” Lindsay protested. “I am not a slut.”

“Oh, you are” Kim said. “It’s about time.”

They were both quiet. “Are you… okay?” Kim asked.

Lindsay shrugged. “I don’t really know.”

“I know what you mean,” Kim said. “I felt so strange after my first time. Don’t worry, it’s not always that bad.”

“Yeah?” Lindsay asked.

“Oh yeah,” Kim said suggestively.

“Kim!”

“Don’t be such a prude, Lindsay!”

Lindsay smiled. “Thanks, Kim.”

Kim punched her in the arm. “I can’t _believe_ you didn’t tell me.”

 

 

As graduation got closer there were only two things the seniors were talking about: prom and which school everyone would be going to next year.

Lindsay didn’t even want to _think_ about either.

“Do you want to go dress shopping with me, honey?” her mom asked at dinner one night.

“Mom, I told you I’m not going to prom.”

“Why not? You’d look so beautiful!” her mom protested.

“Because I don’t have anyone to go with. Just drop it, mom.”

“Why don’t you ask Barry?” Jean asked. “He was so polite when he came to take you out.”

“Mom, no. I’m not asking Barry.”

“Why not?”

“Because I’m not! Just let it go. Please.” Jean looked hurt, and Lindsay felt bad for snapping.

“Well what about a school for next year?” her dad asked.

Lindsay groaned and dropped her head against the table. “I don’t know.”

“You’re running out of time, Lindsay.”

“I know, dad.”

Her parents (or more specifically her dad) wanted her to go to Yale, but Lindsay just didn’t see herself fitting in there. She was so tired of feeling alone all the time, she didn’t want to spend the next four years doing the exact same thing.

“Are you going to prom?” she asked Kim the next day at lunch.

“I don’t know,” Kim said. “Daniel asked me if I wanted to go.”

“So what’s the problem?” Lindsay asked.

“I don’t know if I want to go!”

“I guess it could be fun,” Lindsay said.

“Yeah, I guess. My mom is really into it,” Kim told her.

“Mine too.”

“Are you going to go?” Kim asked.

“Nah.” She shrugged. “Besides I don’t have anyone to go with. You and Daniel should go. I bet it would be a lot of fun.”

Daniel and Ken walked up to their table with their lunches.

“Are you taking Amy to prom?” Kim asked.

Ken made a face. “Yeah,” he said. “She’s really into it.”

Daniel laughed. “What are you laughing at?” Kim asked him. “We’re going too.”

“We are?” he asked.

“Yes,” Kim said defiantly. “We are.”

Lindsay smiled.

 

 

It was harder to be happy for Kim once the actual prom preparations started. Nick and Sara were going together and he kept asking Kim to include her in their plans.

“Just invite her to go dress shopping with you,” he pleaded, not looking at Lindsay. “Please.”

“Fine,” Kim huffed.

“I’ll try and convince her to buy an ugly dress,” Kim told Lindsay later.

“No,” Lindsay said. “Come on Kim, don’t do that.”

“Whatever,” Kim said.

“I told you to stop it,” Ken cut in.

“Shut up!” Lindsay and Kim said at the same time.

“Whatever,” he said. “You know I’m right.”

 

 

Lindsay planned to help Kim get ready for prom then spend the night at home.

“Wow, that’s really lame,” Kim told her.

“Shut up. It’s not like I was going to go to prom by myself.”

Kim shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

Millie had invited Lindsay to hang out at her house with the other mathletes.

“I don’t think so, Millie,” Lindsay told her.

“What not? We’re going to play charades!”

Lindsay smiled. “No thanks, Millie.”

“Okay,” Millie said. “If you change your mind you can always join us.”

It made Lindsay sad to know that she didn’t fit in with her old friends at all anymore. She didn’t really fit in with her new friends either. When she got off that bus at the beginning of summer it was supposed to be about figuring out who she was. Instead it brought her nothing but confusion. Ten months later and she felt like nothing had changed.

 

 

She heard voices outside her house later that night. Lindsay got off her bed and went into the hall to see what was going on.

“You go!”

“Why should I go?”

“Because, jerkwad, her parents like you best.”

The doorbell rang. Her mom answered the door.

“Nick!” Jean exclaimed. “You look so handsome.”

“Thanks, Mrs Weir.”

“What are you doing here, Nick?” Lindsay asked walking out into the foyer.

He looked uncomfortable. “We decided to cut out of prom early. We’re going to hang out, do you want to come?”

Lindsay hesitated. “As long as it’s cool with you, Mrs Weir” Nick added.

Her mom smiled. “Go ahead, sweetheart.”

Lindsay paused for another minute. Her friends had come out of their way for her. That had to mean something.

“Thanks, Nick” Lindsay said. “It had to have been hard for him to come out here for her.

“Don’t mention it,” he said.

She smiled. “You look great.”

He opened his mouth to say something. “Lindsaaaay!” Kim shouted. “Come on!”

Lindsay ran to the car. Nick followed behind.

Ken’s parents were out of town, so they all went to his house.

“So how was it?” Lindsay asked.

“How was what?” Kim replied.

“The _prom_.”

“Oh,” Kim said. “It was lame.” A smile came over her face. “Daniel got me a corsage.”

“It’s beautiful,” Lindsay told her.

“Whatever,” Kim said. “It probably cost him five bucks, but it’s nice.”

Kim went over to where Daniel was sitting. She sat on his lap and kissed him on the mouth.

They looked happy and Lindsay wondered what was wrong with her that she couldn’t be.

Nick found her later that night in the kitchen.

“Hey,” she said.

“Hey.”

“Where’s Sara?” Lindsay asked.

“She had to go home,” he said. “Curfew.”

“Oh,” she paused. “Does that mean we’re allowed to talk?” shed asked, then regretted it. “Sorry.”

"It’s o—”

“No, you know what? I’m not sorry. That was a really shitty thing you did, Nick.”

He hung his head.

“I thought we were friends. That really hurt.”

“I know,” he said.”

“I—what?”

“I know.”

“Oh,” she said.

“I’m sorry, Lindsay. This whole thing has been so fucked up. I didn’t want to hurt you.

“Yeah, well. You had a funny way of showing it.”

“I know,” he said. “I just didn’t want to mess things up with Sara like I messed them up with you.

“Oh,” she was quiet for a moment. “I’ve been so proud of you this year.”

He smiled wide. “Really?”

“Really, Nick. I always knew you had it in you.”

“I know,” he said. “I’m going to graduate high school with a B average, and that’s thanks to you, Lindsay.”

“What? No. You did that yourself.”

“Well,” he looked down. “I wouldn’t have ever thought it was possible. You did.”

She smiled at him and they were both quiet.

“I really missed you this year,” she blurted.

He looked surprised but happy. “Me too.”

She walked across the room to stand beside him. “Does this mean we can be friends again?”

He smiled down at her. “Yeah. I think so.”

“Okay, good.”

She leaned up to kiss him on the cheek, but he turned his head (or she turned hers—she’s not sure) and suddenly they were kissing. It was just like their first kiss; unexpected and sweet, and Lindsay allowed herself to get caught up in it for a minute, just one minute before stepping back.

“I—” she started but didn’t know what to say, what she should say.

He didn’t say anything either.

“You’re with Sara,” she said eventually.

“I know.”

“O-okay.”

Nick didn’t say anything else, so Lindsay turned and left the room. She didn’t see any sign of Kim and Daniel or Ken and Amy which meant they were probably off making out or worse somewhere. It was prom night after all.

“Great,” she said to the empty room and sat down.

Nick came out and sat down next to her after a few minutes. They didn’t talk.

“Do you want me to take you home?” he asked.

“Okay.”

Outside her house they sat in silence. She didn’t move to get out of the car. Neither did he.

“Look,” she said. “I meant what I told you earlier, I really have missed you this last year, and I know you’re with Sara now and you seem really happy and you’ve been doing so well at school, but well. I miss you, and we kissed, and I guess what I’m trying to say is that means something to me.”

He didn’t say anything.

“Okay, well I’m going to go. Bye.”

He didn’t say anything. Nothing at all.

 

 

“So you kissed?” Kim asked. “What does that mean?”

“I don’t know!” Lindsay exclaimed. “I practically told him I still had feelings for him and he didn’t say anything.

“He didn’t say anything?”

“Nope, nothing.”

“So what did you do?” Kim asked.

“I got out of the car and went into my house.”

“And he didn’t say anything?”

“Nope,” Lindsay said.”

“But what are you going to do now?” Kim asked.

“Nothing! I mean he knows how I feel and he obviously doesn’t feel the same way.”

Kim didn’t say anything and Lindsay was getting tired of always being answered with silence.

“I gotta go,” Kim said eventually. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” Lindsay said. “See you.”

Lindsay watched Kim walk out of the cafeteria as Nick walked in. Kim punched him in the arm. He looked pissed but he didn’t say anything.

“You told her?” Nick asked walking up to her.

“Well, you weren’t exactly talking to me on Friday,” she said.

“You know she can’t keep a secret! She’ll tell Sara.”

“No she won’t,” Lindsay said feeling hurt. “She doesn’t even like Sara.”

“Exactly!” Nick said. “Thanks a lot, Lindsay.”

“You kissed me too,” she shot back.

Nick didn’t say anything so Lindsay left. She didn’t have time for his shit.

 

 

Lindsay had been thinking a lot about college, she didn't have much else to do with her time after all. She was nervous about telling her parents what she wanted. After everything she'd done she worried they wouldn't trust her to make the right decision. Lindsay thought she knew what she wanted, but she wanted the chance to make the mistake if it wasn't right for her after all. She wanted to be trusted to do the right thing for her.

“I want to go to Penn,” Lindsay told her parents that night at dinner. “It’s a good school, it’s closer to home, and I don’t see any reason why you should be upset about my choice.”

Her mom looked happy. “Of course we’re not upset, sweetheart. We just want you to be happy. Right, Howard?”

Her dad looked at her for a long time. “Right,” he said eventually, Lindsay thought he might look pleased, but she wasn't sure.

 

 

Mr Rosso called her into his office the next week to tell her she hadn’t been selected as Valedictorian.

“Okay,” she said.

“ _Okay_?”

“Yeah, Mr Rosso. What do you want me to say?”

“Didn’t you want the position?” he asked.

“Not really. I’m sure there’s someone who worked hard and deserves it more.”

Mr Rosso shook his head. “I don’t understand you, Lindsay. You have so much potential and you’re just wasting it by floating along with the status quo. _Push yourself_.”

“I’m sorry high school doesn’t exactly _inspire_ me, Mr Rosso, but that doesn’t mean I’m wasting my life. I’m seventeen.”

He sighed.

“Can I go now?” she asked.

"Yes, you can go now," he said.

Lindsay walked out. She wasn't going to let other people make decisions for her anymore, she was tired, tired of everyone not trusting her. She knew what was right for her, that would have to be enough.

 

 

Everyone was talking like it was the end of their lives, and not just the end of high school.

When Lindsay looked back on it, her last year had been really kind of crappy. She was ready to do something new. To _be_ someone new without people pressuring her to do what they wanted.

She was tired of being Lindsay Weir; class brainiac or stoner (depending on the day). She just wanted to be.

Her mom cried at graduation, and her dad actually looked proud.

“I love you, Lindsay” he said pulling her into a hug.

“I love you too, dad” Lindsay said blinking back tears. It had been hard this year without her dad. Lindsay hadn’t realised till that moment how much she missed him.

“I’m sorry,” she said.

He hugged her tighter. “Me too.”

Her mom made her stand for about a million pictures, until Kim came running up and practically tackled her to the ground.

“Let’s blow this shithole!” she yelled. “Sorry Mr Weir, Mrs Weir,” she added when she saw their faces.

“Go ahead,” he mom said.

“Thanks!” Lindsay shouted running off.

“Be safe!” her dad yelled after them.

“Are you glad to be done?” Lindsay asked.

“Hell yeah!”

“Me too,” Lindsay said. “I’m going to miss you, though.”

Kim smiled. “Whatever,” she said. “You won’t be too far.”

Lindsay nodded.

“Plus you’ll be back. Considering how much you’re going to miss me and all.”

“Shut up,” Lindsay said and shoved her. Kim shoved her back.

“Are you going to say anything to Nick?” Kim asked.

“Nah,” Lindsay said. “I already said everything I had to say.”

“You’re just going to leave it?” Kim asked.

“I guess,” Lindsay said. “What else can I do?”

Kim shrugged. “There’s Daniel. Let’s go.”

They ran over to where everyone was waiting waiting. Lindsay hugged Daniel, Ken and Amy. Nick smiled awkwardly at her.

“Come on,” Daniel said. “We’re going to Andopolis’.”

Nick and Lindsay ended up in the backseat together (and Lindsay was pretty sure Kim had something to do with that).

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey.”

It was an awkward car ride. Lindsay wanted to know where Sara was, but she didn’t want to ask.

Nick smiled awkwardly at her again.

When they got to Nick’s Lindsay found herself alone with him (and she was _sure_ Kim had something to do with that).

“So,” Nick said sitting down next to her.

“So.”

“Sara broke up with me,” he said.

“Really? Nick, I’m so sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“What?”

“You’re not sorry,” he said.

Lindsay was shocked. “I can’t believe you just said that to me, Nick! I’ve been so happy for you this year, as happy as I could be anyway, and proud of you too. Yeah, I missed you, but I _never_ wanted anything bad to happen. I can’t believe you just said that to me!”

She stood up. Nick grabbed her arm. “Wait, I’m sorry. I know you would never do anything like that.”

She sat back down. “Good.”

“I really liked her,” he said.

“I could tell.”

“I thought she liked me too. She did like me. I don’t know what happened.”

“Me either,” she said. “Sometimes things just don’t work out.”

“Like us,” he said.

“Yeah,” Lindsay said. “Like us.”

They were silent for a moment. Lindsay leaned over and put her head on his shoulder.

“Can we be friends for real now?” he asked.

“Yeah,” she said. “I’d like that.”


End file.
